Putting the fire out on smoking

When I was younger, I used to think that smoking was a very cool thing to do. Until the day that my heart went 255 beats per minute.

I started smoking when I was around 16 or 17. Before I went to college I was already trying out a stick or two. It was during my first year in college that I really got into the habit. A very bad habit.

Back when I was in college, I experienced a lot of things then that I thought were the craziest thing that I could ever experience. Not having a boyfriend was one of the biggest problem I had back then, never did I realize that there were more problems that I would face in life that would mean so much to me.

I was also a bit of insecure because I didn't know how to love myself then and I turned to other people (e.g. guys) to make me feel loved. If I didn't feel that, I begin to sink back to my shell. When this happens, I turn to a stick of cigarette.

Every time I light one, I feel powerful and that power makes me feel secure and nothing in the world could ever harm me or make me feel little. The college where I came from, being criticized for how you dress, how you look and by who you are is a normal thing. This made me feel so insecure about myself because people would tend to look at you from head to toe in a manner that would make you feel like you were on a chopping block.

It was not the pretty back then and I was really insecure. The only way I can get power to overcome that insecurity was with a cigarette.

This lasted for some years until I was already working. In the call center industry, people are dressed to the nines like there's no tomorrow. During my stay at PeopleSupport, there were a lot of good looking people and being in the same place where they were, made me think that I do not have anything that I could use to stay on the same playing field with them. Because of this, I once again, turned to smoking because that same power makes up for the confidence and self-esteem that I lack.

Until one day, Christmas season. I was hospitalized. After that, I immediately quit smoking and started to live a new and much better life. It was hard at first and seeing other people smoke would want me to light a stick and go back to the same old me. But the experience at the hospital made me drop the idea.

I eventually began to forget about smoking. However, I get nightmares of me getting back to the old habit. When this happens, I jolt out of my sleep and thank God that it was all a dream. I know it sounds crazy but this is for real, I get nightmares about me smoking again.

I has been one year and nine months since the time I quit. Sometimes, I still get insecure but the outcome of quitting and being able to exercise more without panting so damn hard has become my security blanket rather than the smoke that comes out of the cigarette stick.

Before, when I was still smoking, running and doing strenuous physical activities was a big task for me to accomplish. I couldn't even run one block without having difficulty breathing. Today, I can run the whole of Global City without any breathing problem at all.

The result of my effort in living a healthier life has become my source of power whenever I get that feeling of insecurity. I no longer get that power from an external source but rather I get it from within me and that power is more potent and has more sustainability than a single stick of cigarette.